How to Avoid Common Pitfalls When Divorcing with Young Children

Divorcing with young children can be a difficult and emotionally packed endeavor. Being parents, one has to make sure that their children are put first in priority as they go through the different separation processes: legal, financial, and personal. The following are some common pitfalls to avoid, plus helpful strategies to make this difficult time smoother for you and your children.

Using Children as Messengers

One of the worst errors parents can commit is placing their children in the middle of communications between the two. Asking your child to deliver messages to an ex-spouse may be seemingly innocuous but can be a source of tension and confusion. Children should feel like they have a secure, supportive environment free from adult concerns.

Instead, communicate all things directly with your ex. If the face-to-face conversations are too strained, use written notes, emails, or a communication tool app designed for co-parents, such as OurFamilyWizard or Cozi. Clear, respectful communication keeps you and your ex on the same page without placing added emotional pressure on your child.

Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent

It's normal that some negative feelings toward your ex arise, but sharing them with your children can damage their perception of both parents and can make them feel a divided sense of loyalty. Children benefit from feeling positively connected to both parents, so avoid the urge to speak poorly about your ex in front of your kids.

Instead, vent to close friends, relatives, or a therapist. This way, you can get your emotions out in a healthy space and preserve the relationship of your child with both parents, which will be very beneficial for their emotional development and self-esteem.

Engaging the Services of a Professional Divorce Attorney

Legally, divorce can be a very complicated process, especially if there are young children. Sometimes, having an experienced divorce lawyer can make all the difference in the world with regard to outcomes. From custody and child support to the division of assets, a family law attorney will help you understand your many rights, responsibilities, and options. They are also in a position to give you valuable insight into how to create a fair parenting plan that supports your child's best interests.

When seeking a lawyer, look for one who understands the importance of minimizing conflict, especially where children are concerned. A collaborative or family-centered law professional can help you avoid unnecessary litigation, engage in a mutual resolution with your ex, and hopefully hasten the process in court. This not only secures your interests but should translate into a smoother transition for your child, sparing unnecessary stress for the entire family.

Ignoring Your Child's Emotional Needs

Feeling overwhelmed during divorce proceedings is typical for anyone, but it does not mean one should overlook how well one's child copes with his or her feelings. Children of tender years cannot explain how they feel; therefore, parents should watch out for subtle changes in their children's behavior, such as clinginess, aggression, or sorrow.

Help your child learn it's okay to express his or her feelings to you by saying, "It's okay to be sad or scared. You can always tell me what's on your mind." If your child is too young to discuss it, you may be able to help him or her understand with age appropriate books about divorce or through imaginative play such as drawing. 

Changing Your Child's Routine

Of course, divorce brings in several changes in its wake, but it is very important that you keep the routine of the child intact as far as possible. Familiar routines give young children the security and predictability to help them settle into new changes happening in their family.

Stick to routines for meals, bedtime, and school as much as possible. Even though the residence may change, collaborative efforts to keep a similar schedule in both homes provide a sense of stability for the children. When possible, consult with your former partner about a uniform schedule so that both homes can provide a similar rhythm in the child's daily life.

Lack of Establishment of Appropriate Boundaries

When transitioning from married life into co-parenting, clear-cut boundaries need to be set that everyone can understand. Even though you are no longer partners, you are still a team concerning your child. Setting boundaries will thus help reduce conflict and avoid misunderstandings that may affect the best interest of your child.

Agree on issues like how often to communicate, when to make decisions about your child, and what information each parent should have. Boundaries establish a respectful co-parenting relationship that avoids the ambiguity that can lead to conflict. The clearer these boundaries are, the easier it will be for you and your ex to establish a cooperative environment in which to raise your child.

Avoiding Professional Help

Trying to handle a divorce without professional help can lead to unnecessary conflict and lost opportunities for guidance. You and your child may also benefit from the use of professionals-for instance, a family therapist or mediator-who can help smooth the transition and build healthy coping skills.

Family therapy will provide them with a venue to express their emotions regarding the divorce. A child-centered therapist will, therefore, be in a position to make them comprehend the situation, control their emotions, and enable resilience. In the same light, using a mediator in the divorce process will facilitate the use of rough conversations; this would ensure that those conversations remain child-centered and constructive.

Lack of Self-Care

With divorce, it's so easy to become completely consumed with the needs of your children but at the demise of your own needs, leading to burnout, increased stress levels, and inability to regulate your emotions. This is what you need-taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and mentally-not just for you but also so that you can be a very effective parent.

Regular exercising, reaching out to good friends or relatives, and looking for professional support from a therapist can help the parent who feels overwhelmed by turbulent emotions. Remember that children also sense their parents' emotional status. By taking proper care of yourself, you will be better equipped to cope with the divorce situation and provide your child with some stability.

Conclusion

Divorce, although extremely painful, might be a little more bearable for you and your child if some common pitfalls are avoided. Indeed, keeping the lines of communication healthy, maintaining routines, and setting boundaries create an environment for helping the child actually adjust to the new makeup of the family. Your love, patience, and considering the consequences of your decisions will help your child through this process and make him feel secure even under these changes.